Second Chances

 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person- though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die- but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God, For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. -Romans 5: 6-11

What is it like inside the brain of someone who has a questionable sanity? Is it realistic to seek Jesus in the midst of suffering?

Nearing the end of my year long treatment program, I am now in a place where I want to share what it has been like to navigate the roads of mental illness while trying to seek Jesus throughout it. Trust me, I failed time and time again to be Christ like, but thanks to God’s grace he keeps giving me second chances. 

As someone who experiences the brokenness of the world in this way, I know it can be a lonely place, but a vast majority of what makes my suffering worth it is when I gain perspective of the suffering Jesus paid for me. Jesus sacrificed His life on the cross for us, being beaten, mocked, and scorned. God gave each of us a different story for a reason and never allows us to experience more temptation than we can handle. I cannot even imagine what Jesus was thinking while on the cross. All insight we have is in scripture, but I know the pain and sacrifice was worth it due to the wholehearted love He has for us. 

There have been a few moments in my life when God allowed me to experience a feeling where I got clarity on why my suffering was in His plan and for His glory. But when Jesus heard it he said “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the son of God may be glorified through it.” -John 11: 4 

“God I have really messed up, but what is hard is that I still look at my sin as justified. I ask for your grace and truth even though it is already given. Help me to see joy, understand you, and not continue to fall into sin. Amen”

I wrote this three days after my second suicide attempt. If you look in my journal you will see how my handwriting is sloppy compared to all the rest of my entries. It is crazy how easy it is to not think through the consequences of our actions. I had overdosed on prescription and over the counter medication, and could barely even write in my journal, but God had given me a second chance. A chance that through suffering I could get to see the gift that is life that He has for me. Because of this second chance, I got the blessing of seeing myself grow, I got to make new friends I never would have. Yes I had some hard conversations and lost some relationships from the actions of my past, but I was able to learn from them, to look more like Christ than I have in my life.

I have learned it is easy to believe that we are alone in our sin and even easier to live in secret, but bringing our dirt into the light allows the enemy to have no hold on us.
I tried to fix my life in the past, but the moment I let go of control and let Him into my life I was able to experience pure and real happiness for the first time. God blessed me with a family and with friends who love me more than I thought humans could ever love. God gave me a new calling and love to help others. Best of all God gave me His son and now I can live in harmony with Him. After this, Jesus, knowing that all was now finished, said (to fulfill the Scripture), “I thirst.” A jar full of sour wine stood there, so they put a sponge full of the sour wine on a hyssop branch and held it to his mouth. When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, “It is finished,” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. -John 19: 28-30 I can strive to be the best person I can be and fail, or I can  follow in Christ's footsteps to share the good news and live in His glory. God literally gave me life and He will give you life too.

I leave you with this…

For everything there is a season, and la time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace. -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8